Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
where are you?
Hypothermia
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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