so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
