Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
