everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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