you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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