You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
