My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
