Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
