my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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