Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize