things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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