Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
