New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
