i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
