Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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