Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
