there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
