My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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