so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
