Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
