Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
