chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
