he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
