It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize