i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
