He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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