1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
