Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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