dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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