Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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