Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
