How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
