I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
