So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
