he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
