I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
