I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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