She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
