if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
