mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
