I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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