I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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