why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
