By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
