Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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