There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
