im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
