Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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