I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
