I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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