Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Let's paint friendship bongs
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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