2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
