This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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