kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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