Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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