i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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